Wax On, Wax Off

Following the advice and wise words of Mr Miyagi from The Karate Kid (the 1980s version and not the reboot that left you thinking, 'What the hell was that?') we have had a wax cloth in one hand and a dry cloth in the other moving like a floor cleaner across the boards of our bedroom. Yes, Mr Miyagi we do what you say, 'Wax on, wax off', and for some unknown reason we do it in our shorts and soon start to skid across the floor in a dance that is both beautiful and akin to seeing whales beach themselves. It is a day of deliveries also, a new mattress is in transit, a new rug to go on the waxed floor and each time someone knocks at the door we skate across it in our stocking feet.


The man who delivers the mattress is puzzled when we say he can't take it upstairs because the floor is still wet and slippy. Stood in our shorts we must look like some kind of 1980s fetish party, all we need is leg warmers and huge bucket of water to drench ourselves in whilst doing a homage to Flashdance. To get to this slippery when wet phase we have spent evenings sanding skirting boards and tongue and groove walls, we have splinters still lodged in parts of us where even Carlsberg never reached. We have dug out more carpet staples than should have ever been used on a carpet. We have rake marks across our skin from carpet grips, looking like we have just gone ten rounds with Freddie from Nightmare on Elm Street (hold on to your Swatches, there's more eighties references coming your way). No wonder the poor delivery man just dumped it on the stairs, agreed that we could get past, only if we were Kate Moss, and scarpered. He didn't even turnaround in the road, he put his white van in reverse and screamed away like a DeLorean housing a dog called Einstein. 

Waxed floorboards

Thankfully, after a few hours of wax on, wax off and twerking (which is what we do in Yorkshire - for those you scratching their heads, say 'working' in a Yorkshire twang - there you are, you got it) we have a floor that still has some really poor cuts in it for a circular saw - hence buying the rug which will hide the worst of them (the rug cost £169 but it's cheaper than carpet) - but the finished result is a thing of beauty. To get here we made our own wax, then applied it with a lint free cloth, we took off any excess with a dry cloth as the lint free cloth quickly becomes saturated with wax and your hands become slippy and oily; you find yourself rubbing it off on your shorts and your skin - that's what we told the guy delivering the rug. Boy, could he run. After fifteen minutes we went over the floor again with a soft, lint free cloth to buff and again work off any excess but also to catch those spots we missed. We repeated a second coat immediately. There were no deliveries during the second coat and no one one ran away from our oily torsos. Cue the before and after shot.

Waxed floorboards

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